If you’ve heard me talk you know what I Stand for, you know my story, you know that I advocate very strongly that mental illnesses are NOT death sentences and that there is life (lot’s of it) in learning to navigate and use mental health tools to your advantage. You know that I believe mental health is for EVERYONE. You’ve also heard me talk about how challenging living with a mental illness is.
Honestly, most of the time I tend the shy away from the nitty gritty details of depression and anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, personality disorders, behavioral disorders and other mental illnesses that the world casts so much stigma and shame on because there is already so much darkness there and I hate to add to it.
But, there comes a point where sometimes the truth is dark. Sometimes the truth is ugly. Sometimes the truth is painful, and ignoring it is only going to make it worse.
I deal with depression pretty regularly on and off. I swallow my cocktail of prescription medications on a daily basis. I use the DBT skill MEDDSS to track how I’m doing. I constantly talk myself out of negative thought processes and into living my life. I have a therapist.
But today I’m just going to say it: Depression really sucks.
It sucks that it’s hard to get out of bed sometimes. It sucks that it’s hard that even with loved ones I feel alone. It sucks that this dark cloud that follows me on my bad days just looms there, even when really good things happen – and while I know I should be happy; I can’t. It sucks when I smile and wave at people, but really just feel like an empty shell. Everything is a chore. Everything is difficult. Everything hurts. The time moves in slow motion as I pray for nightfall. The world seems foggy and grey.
Thankfully for me, the depths and lengths of my depressions are not as bad or deep or long as they once were. But they are still there. I use to fight them, fight them like hell, as if I were waging a war against the universe. I would not sleep, or only sleep; I would yell and scream at people for reasons I didn’t even understand. I would take it out on my body in extreme ways.
Today I don’t fight it anymore. I know what it is, kind of like a headache or a migraine or a stomach ache. I acknowledge that it sucks. I allow myself to take it as easy as I need to. I ask myself what I need while I’m not feeling well.
In order to heal we must become aware; in order to become aware we must be honest.
Let’s be honest: Depression Sucks.
My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.